DISCLAIMER: First of all, Obie and I would like to comment that if you are offended by colorful references, you should not read this. Also, this is not meant to be homophobic in any way. We have nothing against homosexual people, but apparently Vegeta does. Please, do not send any hate mail to any posters of this story. It is not their fault that this may seem in any way insulting to anyone choosing an alternate lifestyle. Also, if you read this story and you are offended when you are done, Obie and I take no personal responsibility. You have been warned. If you read on, it is YOUR FAULT if you are offended. Thank you. NOTE: We don't own any of these characters except for Vi Lehman, Vin, Fromage, and Pain. We're not making any money off this. No one in their right mind would pay for this. (No one in their right mind would write this either, but there you have it!)

Dragonball Z: The Painful Reality

By Sean Kanip and Obie Fuscate

Announcer: Welcome to today's episode of Painful Reality.

(Opening logo flashes on screen)

Announcer: Today on Painful Reality. Guest Vegeta, Saiyan warrior, is here to bring you the real story behind Goku and Earth's Special Forces and the scandal that broke them apart.

(Logo fades out. Some guy comes on stage)

Announcer: And now, here's your host! Vi Lehman!

(Applause)

Vi: Thank you folks, you're too kind! Really! No, thank you.

(Crowd begins to settle)

Vi: Welcome to today's edition of Painful Reality. We have a special treat for you today.

Vegeta: (from off stage) No I don't want any stupid makeup! I don't care if the lights shine off my forehead!

(Vi looks toward the backstage as we hear a very loud clunk)

Vegeta: I'm a Saiyan! Saiyan's don't wear any of that contemptible crap.

(Vegeta comes out on stage in huff, forehead shining in the light, and flops down on the couch. Vi looks lost as he doesn't quite know what to do next. Vegeta looks at him angrily)

Vegeta: Well, are we going to get this over with? I have planets to conquer!

Announcer: And now it's time for a commercial break! We'll be back with more-

Vegeta: Shut your yap!

(Vegeta directs an energy blast toward the sound booth, incinerating it)

Vegeta: You bastards invite me here to hear this crap and you don't even listen. I got better stuff to be doin' than this.

(He gets up and prepares to storm out)

Vi: Well, wait a minute!

(Vegeta turns back to Vi and glares at him. Vi takes on a frightened rabbit manner and continues slightly more cautiously.)

Vi: We'll forget the commercial. Please, uh. . .sir, we'll get on with it.

Vegeta: You'd better.

(Vegeta slouches back down onto the couch and glares at Vi)

Vi: Well now. . .uh. . .I guess we all just want to hear your side of the story.

Vegeta: Why? It ain't nothing that anybody'd be interested in.

Vi: But we are.

Vegeta: Fine. It all started with that detestable mime.

Vi: The mime?

Vegeta: Yes. The mime. Chaosu.

_________

(Vegeta doing a voice over. . .as the scene fades to Spindletop Flats. As Vegeta talks the scene changes)

Yeah, that damned mime really screwed everything. And that's not the only thing either. There were a lot of problems there. Especially after we found out the mime was gay.

"The mime was gay!?!?!"

Yeah. Funny thing is, no one noticed really. I mean, there was something up with him, we all knew that, but we never knew it was that. The three eyed baldy was pretty broke up over the whole thing. Can't say I blame him. But that's what started the whole mess. We all ended up getting screwed over.

*****

(VO continues. . .)

Vin, Fromage and Pain were the bad guys du jour.

(Scene shifts to Spindletop Flats. . .Earth's Special Forces are squaring off against two burly bad guys--one is orange, the other purple. *authors note: It starts. . .*)

"Bring it on!" Fromage yelled at them with a grin, "I'll take on all nine of you at once!" Yajerobe dived behind a rock and covered his sorry ass. What a wimp. Let me tell you, that bastard deserved what he got. No one thought to wish him back either, but that's no loss. Turns out that Vin was smarter than we thought he was and smashed Yajerobe over the head with a very large boulder. I will admit, that was fun to watch . . .

Anyway, we were head over heels involved battling these bastards, but it was a good time. Until they clued in to Chaosu's little eccentricity. This Pain guy happened to be, in Bulma's words, "Drop dead gorgeous," and I guess that before we found out they wanted to kick the crap out of us, Chaosu attempted to make 'friends' with the bastard. That damned mime never was too bright. Anyway, it was kind of a shock when Pain called him a queer fairy. Anyway, Tien demanded to know what he meant by that, and Chaosu picked the opportune time to come out of the closet, so to speak. No wonder Tien got a little distracted and got slammed in the face. That wasn't pretty and it sure took him out. Course, after years of having the little bastard following him around and not letting on, he must have felt pretty stupid. Especially since it was rather obvious at points.

There was this one time, when they . . .nah, I won't go into it. That's too sleazy for even this show.

Well, we defeated those alien assholes but Tien never really was the same after that. After beating his head against a wall for a couple hours, he poisoned himself with some cyanide. That was pretty nasty. He twitched for hours. Anyway, Chaosu came along and couldn't live with it. He did this big production and whipped out this knife, saying: "I'll be brief! O happy dagger! This is thy sheath! There rust and let me die!" And he stabbed himself. He was so stupid he didn't even leave a suicide note.

Vi: How'd you know that?

Vegeta: Don't ask those questions. Anyway, after that Yamcha was pretty broke up himself. Let me tell you, opium does some pretty nasty stuff. He'd wander around mumbling about walruses and carpenters and the sun being up in the middle of the night, and to Bulma that got kinda old. Who wants to marry a guy who's crazier than Nappa when he got bored? She didn't, and so (joy of joys!), she came to me. That's the point where it all went straight to hell. Krillin, not able to deal with it, and so he dropped off the face of the planet. Can't say I minded to much. The old chrome dome really got on my nerves. Goku and Gohan attempted to get the Dragonballs to wish them back, but we all decided it probably wasn't worth it. After all, who wants to deal with a gay mime and his crush? Chi-Chi was checked into a mental hospital always repeating: "This planet is mostly harmless, this planet is mostly harmless . . ," over and over again until one day she knocked herself unconscious and never woke up. No loss there. Goku and Gohan were kinda pissed, but needless to say their lives were much easier.

Oh yeah, and Piccolo didn't care. He simply meditated.

That detestable mime! If I could, I'd kill him for all this shit he's put us through.

(Return to the stage scene. . .)

Vi: Well, uh. . .that was, interesting to say the least. Who would have thought that that little mime was gay.

Vegeta: Apparently, no one. Which is surprising. I shoulda seen it coming.

Vi: Well, I'm afraid we're out of time.

Vegeta: I'm not done yet!

Vi: But, we're out of time!

Vegeta: You're right. You are.

(Vegeta powers up and promptly incinerates the building. Screen cuts to static then flashes: "Due to Technical difficulties, this station is off the air. Please be patient as we restore service.")